Juhannus

Last Friday was midsummer, which apparently doesn't mean much fun if you're outside the Nordic countries (unless you're part of some pagan cult). In Finland however it is just another excuse to get insanely wasted. I mean in a country where I bet over half the population has an alcohol problem alcohol sales in the state run Alko go up 70%. And then people light bonfires and drown themselves. Oh yeah and look for trouble in the form of drunken brawls.

My Juhannus options were: 1. civilized Juhannus spent with my parents grilling good food and having a few beers and wine 2. semi-civilized Juhannus spent trying to get my fiancé's parent drunk and maybe going to see the bonfire + local 'barn dance' +over 50's brawl 3. going to a club and getting wasted 4. doing the teenager thing and going to someones trashed out house to watch past out 14 year olds try to have drunken sex. We opted for number 4.

Samuli's grandfather promised we could use his cottage but in the end everyone was way too drunk to make it there. We ended up going to some girls trashed out house pressured by my sister-in-law (Sonja) and Samuli's cousin Elina (the one with the babies). So you see I was not intentionally searching to see wasted kids try to fondle each other. It just so happens that I had enough beer + wine in my system to feel like busting in on them to give them a lecture on cheating, unprotected sex and teenage drunkenness. End result was that despite my lecture they probably did something dirty when we left them to it. I also got some girls number because she thought I was nice... LOL. She was nice too in this "I've just met you but feels like we've been friends since 1st grade" sort of way.

After most of the people there either rolled home or went off to the local bar we (Samuli, Sonja and me) decided to slowly make our way back to Samuli's grandfather's cottage, which was EMPTY. No drunken teens no anyone apart from us. Since Sonja was hyped on some alcohol she was going on about how everyone has to come there to continue partying. Everyone turned out to be Lari (Samuli's brother) and his girlfriend and Elina's husband. So, what to do when you have a mostly related group of young adults? Play spin the bottle of course. With emphasis on no actual daring and more "who would you rather have sex with" questions.

At some point during the night I managed to slip on the wonky unstable front steps of the cottage (running back from the outhouse in the dark rain) and hurt my leg. Which bled all over my white stockings. Pfft... So, in the end it was a fairly interesting Juhannus. Next year Sonja will be 18 so it should be less teen. I hope.

Top 10 Hype List

1. "One" Epik High feat. 지선
2. "Fan" Epik High
3. "Warwick Avenue" Duffy
4. "Tap That" Megan McCauley
5. "Skinny" Lo-Rider
6."Stay Away" Silly Fools
7. "Music" Epik High feat. K.will
8. "One (Planet Silver Remix)" Epik High
9. "Before You Know It" Adam Tensta
10. "?" Armchair

What time is it?

It's time to almost throw up. Must be the combination of little sleep, 2+ beers a day thing I've had going on for almost 3 weeks, emotional damage, general delusions and never ending philosophy essay. All these issues also account for the twisted weirdo semi seasonal emotions I've been having about 'someone'. I've noticed that these phases of hyper obsessiveness coincide with times of struggle and also the two times I actually had hope (with him)... argh... whatever I don't care. Stupid stupid stupid person! I mean why does he think it's OK to periodically come and screw around with my emotions in my dreams. WTF?! It's all because I had to think that the accident, it could have been him... and then I was selfish enough to think that it can't be him because if it was I would be devastated because I really really really like him. And what sucks even more is that I'm supposed to like him, but I'm not quite sure in what way. I preferred it when I really didn't like him. And for a long time I didn't. It'd been such a long time since I actually thought about him (weird as it may seem since I do see him fairly regularly), that it only registered now that he has a girlfriend. Which means he's taken too. And even though it really shouldn't bother me it does in away because on some level it makes me jealous but then again on some level that's OK. I mean we've been hanging out in the same group of friends for quite some time and I was really used to having him around and now he's always off somewhere and I never see him! And I guess I just realized how much his company means to me, that he's almost like family and I miss hanging out with him. I mean bottom line is in my dreams I REALLY like him, but when I'm awake I like him kind of like a brother and the feelings I have about him in my dreams seem almost revolting (in an incest sort of way, not like he's hideously abominable or anything). But recently with the stress of trying to graduate, late nights, booze and my already over emotional weeks it seems like the emotions from my dreams are creeping up on me when I'm awake and that's just freaky wrong. Ew. Then today I was reminiscing, flipping through my photo album, trying to find memories about Lauri I could cling on to. So, I found these picture from this party from 'the summer I was a slut' and hooked up with half a town and there we are posing like dorks and I love that picture... So yes I hope I can get this degree done with so I can go back to being NORMAL!

Remember the Good Times

This year there were two people graduating from our insanely extended family, Samuli's cousin Lauri and Lauri's sister's husband Janne. In Finland everyone graduates from high school on the same day and this year it was the 31st of May. We were all looking forward to a fun weekend in Mäntyharju circulating from house to house to attend the parties.

The Thursday before was a beautiful day. The sun was shining so brightly and Samuli got home from work early enough to take Bobby for a walk. When he came back he said something about Bobby falling into the river and went straight to the bathroom. When I came out of the bedroom to ask what exactly had happened I realized he had left the front door wide open, typically not something he would do, even in the instance of a soaking wet dog. We washed Bobby and then I fussed about drying him.

So, there I was sitting on our bedroom floor blow drying Bobby enjoying the sun shining though the window when Samuli comes into the room. And then he said something like "well there is only one graduation party this weekend". The first thought that crossed my mind was oh did one of the boys screw up. I mean Janne has two kids (!!) and I mean I had a hard enough time graduating without changing diapers and hanging out at maternity courses. So, of course I was thinking along the lines of haha who screwed up.

But then Samuli goes on and I don't get how I heard it but by the time he had finished the sentence my mind was already blank. Like I seriously cannot remember him saying the words however I just knew that there was something about Lauri and an accident. As cliché as it may sound I felt like I was in one of those dreams where you're looking at yourself from the outside. Everything sort of froze and I was for some reason focusing on staring intently out the window. I was thinking NO that can't be right it's too beautiful for anything like that to happen.

I didn't even know how Lauri was and I was already crying. I don't even remember when I started but I managed to ask Samuli if Lauri was OK. I guess he wasn't ready to actually say it yet because all he said was "he got hit by a truck, what do you think" and I knew I had thought right. Even though deep down I knew Lauri was dead at the same time my mind was going "this is some kind of joke! It's got to be! I mean he's graduating this weekend!" After I had cried some more Samuli said he was going to go donate blood, something he does on a regular basis but seemed to be spurned by the events, and asked if I was going to call my family or would I like him to do it. I told him I could manage and he left.

Calling my mum was really hard. I'd called her the day before crying about some pathetic little thing and I was so sure that she would think I was calling her again about it and that made it so much worse. I knew that the fact that I was crying when I called her wasn't going to prepare her for what I had to say. I could tell from her voice that she thought I was calling her to whine about some lame problem and I really wanted to say no no no this is so much worse but I ended up blurting it out. I realized how calling my brother would be so much worse since he would think I was kidding and I really didn't want to spend 15 minutes on the phone going "no really I'm not joking!" so I asked mum if she could call dad and my brother for me.

The rest of the day was a blur. I didn't do much the work I was intending to get done which was a pain since I am hoping to graduate soon. In fact my whole plan for an intensive last few weeks flew out the window. I know that maybe my supervisors and coordinators would have been more sympathetic if they knew but for some reason I just couldn't/can't bring myself to tell them.

On Friday we drove up to Mäntyharju with my mum and saw Samuli's family for the first time since and later in the evening we drove to see Lauri's parents and his girlfriend. I cried so much. So much that I thought I couldn't cry anymore, but I was so wrong. Every time I've hugged Lauri's mum or girlfriend or sister or aunt or my boyfriends dad etc... it just starts all over again.

When we left we drove to where it happened. That's when it got more real. I mean how much more real can tire marks, bits of car, flowers and candles make it? And yet it was so unreal standing there with his oldest sister and brother, Samuli, my mum and his aunt with someone saying how he'd been all covered in blood and there was no way any ambulance could have come quick enough to save him.

Last Saturday was the funeral. And I don't know why but I couldn't cry anymore. I had cried it all out the day before when we were driving up to Mäntyharju. Before it had only been sad tears but this time I was so angry. I wanted to yell the way his sister had at the crash site, "why did you take him away!" I mean he was our little Lauri... Our little Lauri with his whole life ahead of him.

In the end I'd known him for 7 years. And although I didn't know him that well we spent all our holidays hanging out and in the end I have so many memories. I hate seeing all the people that were close to him hurting so bad. In the end it's not only Lauri that's gone, but a piece of all those people who had the pleasure of knowing him and that's what hurts the most.

Which Country Are Your Top 50 Artists From?

The top 50 is taken from my Last.fm scrobbled tracks (excluding all radio shows/podcasts). OK I listen to a lot of crap I know I know I KNOW!!! But everyone knew that already... still I was slightly surprised that some of these artists made my top 50. In my defense for a while my iPod wasn't scrobbling my tracks and of course I listen to serious artists with talent on there so *cough* those guys are somewhere down the list... honestly *cough* ;)

USA: Tori Amos, James Taylor, Ashlee Simpson, Linkin Park, Boyce Avenue, Fall Out Boy, Shiny Toy Guns, Rascal Flatts, Britney Spears, Paramore, Kelly Clarkson, Jack's Mannequin, Dixie Chicks, Johnny Cash, Nick Lachey, Madonna, Christina Aguilera, Suzanne Vega, Fergie, Panic! At The Disco, Foo Fighters, Puddle of Mud 22

Finland: PMMP, Leevi and the Leavings, Turmion Kätilöt, Rajaton, Antti Tuisku, Olavi Uusivirta & Paula Vesala, Scandinavian Music Group, Stella, Jani Wickholm, Eleanoora Rosenholm, Sunrise Avenue, Poets of the Fall, Maija Vilkkumaa, Brightboy 14

Sweden: Amy Diamond, Basshunter 2

England: Amy Winehouse, Sugarbabes 2

Ireland: Boyzone 1

Scotland: Amy Mcdonald 1

Wales: Duffy 1

Canada: Avril Lavigne 1

France: Alizée 1

Barbados: Rihanna 1

Germany: 666 1

Russia: t.A.T.u. 1

New Zeland: Bic Runga 1

Australia: Pendulum 1