This year there were two people graduating from our insanely extended family, Samuli's cousin Lauri and Lauri's sister's husband Janne. In Finland everyone graduates from high school on the same day and this year it was the 31st of May. We were all looking forward to a fun weekend in Mäntyharju circulating from house to house to attend the parties.
The Thursday before was a beautiful day. The sun was shining so brightly and Samuli got home from work early enough to take Bobby for a walk. When he came back he said something about Bobby falling into the river and went straight to the bathroom. When I came out of the bedroom to ask what exactly had happened I realized he had left the front door wide open, typically not something he would do, even in the instance of a soaking wet dog. We washed Bobby and then I fussed about drying him.
So, there I was sitting on our bedroom floor blow drying Bobby enjoying the sun shining though the window when Samuli comes into the room. And then he said something like "well there is only one graduation party this weekend". The first thought that crossed my mind was oh did one of the boys screw up. I mean Janne has two kids (!!) and I mean I had a hard enough time graduating without changing diapers and hanging out at maternity courses. So, of course I was thinking along the lines of haha who screwed up.
But then Samuli goes on and I don't get how I heard it but by the time he had finished the sentence my mind was already blank. Like I seriously cannot remember him saying the words however I just knew that there was something about Lauri and an accident. As cliché as it may sound I felt like I was in one of those dreams where you're looking at yourself from the outside. Everything sort of froze and I was for some reason focusing on staring intently out the window. I was thinking NO that can't be right it's too beautiful for anything like that to happen.
I didn't even know how Lauri was and I was already crying. I don't even remember when I started but I managed to ask Samuli if Lauri was OK. I guess he wasn't ready to actually say it yet because all he said was "he got hit by a truck, what do you think" and I knew I had thought right. Even though deep down I knew Lauri was dead at the same time my mind was going "this is some kind of joke! It's got to be! I mean he's graduating this weekend!" After I had cried some more Samuli said he was going to go donate blood, something he does on a regular basis but seemed to be spurned by the events, and asked if I was going to call my family or would I like him to do it. I told him I could manage and he left.
Calling my mum was really hard. I'd called her the day before crying about some pathetic little thing and I was so sure that she would think I was calling her again about it and that made it so much worse. I knew that the fact that I was crying when I called her wasn't going to prepare her for what I had to say. I could tell from her voice that she thought I was calling her to whine about some lame problem and I really wanted to say no no no this is so much worse but I ended up blurting it out. I realized how calling my brother would be so much worse since he would think I was kidding and I really didn't want to spend 15 minutes on the phone going "no really I'm not joking!" so I asked mum if she could call dad and my brother for me.
The rest of the day was a blur. I didn't do much the work I was intending to get done which was a pain since I am hoping to graduate soon. In fact my whole plan for an intensive last few weeks flew out the window. I know that maybe my supervisors and coordinators would have been more sympathetic if they knew but for some reason I just couldn't/can't bring myself to tell them.
On Friday we drove up to Mäntyharju with my mum and saw Samuli's family for the first time since and later in the evening we drove to see Lauri's parents and his girlfriend. I cried so much. So much that I thought I couldn't cry anymore, but I was so wrong. Every time I've hugged Lauri's mum or girlfriend or sister or aunt or my boyfriends dad etc... it just starts all over again.
When we left we drove to where it happened. That's when it got more real. I mean how much more real can tire marks, bits of car, flowers and candles make it? And yet it was so unreal standing there with his oldest sister and brother, Samuli, my mum and his aunt with someone saying how he'd been all covered in blood and there was no way any ambulance could have come quick enough to save him.
Last Saturday was the funeral. And I don't know why but I couldn't cry anymore. I had cried it all out the day before when we were driving up to Mäntyharju. Before it had only been sad tears but this time I was so angry. I wanted to yell the way his sister had at the crash site, "why did you take him away!" I mean he was our little Lauri... Our little Lauri with his whole life ahead of him.
In the end I'd known him for 7 years. And although I didn't know him that well we spent all our holidays hanging out and in the end I have so many memories. I hate seeing all the people that were close to him hurting so bad. In the end it's not only Lauri that's gone, but a piece of all those people who had the pleasure of knowing him and that's what hurts the most.
The Thursday before was a beautiful day. The sun was shining so brightly and Samuli got home from work early enough to take Bobby for a walk. When he came back he said something about Bobby falling into the river and went straight to the bathroom. When I came out of the bedroom to ask what exactly had happened I realized he had left the front door wide open, typically not something he would do, even in the instance of a soaking wet dog. We washed Bobby and then I fussed about drying him.
So, there I was sitting on our bedroom floor blow drying Bobby enjoying the sun shining though the window when Samuli comes into the room. And then he said something like "well there is only one graduation party this weekend". The first thought that crossed my mind was oh did one of the boys screw up. I mean Janne has two kids (!!) and I mean I had a hard enough time graduating without changing diapers and hanging out at maternity courses. So, of course I was thinking along the lines of haha who screwed up.
But then Samuli goes on and I don't get how I heard it but by the time he had finished the sentence my mind was already blank. Like I seriously cannot remember him saying the words however I just knew that there was something about Lauri and an accident. As cliché as it may sound I felt like I was in one of those dreams where you're looking at yourself from the outside. Everything sort of froze and I was for some reason focusing on staring intently out the window. I was thinking NO that can't be right it's too beautiful for anything like that to happen.
I didn't even know how Lauri was and I was already crying. I don't even remember when I started but I managed to ask Samuli if Lauri was OK. I guess he wasn't ready to actually say it yet because all he said was "he got hit by a truck, what do you think" and I knew I had thought right. Even though deep down I knew Lauri was dead at the same time my mind was going "this is some kind of joke! It's got to be! I mean he's graduating this weekend!" After I had cried some more Samuli said he was going to go donate blood, something he does on a regular basis but seemed to be spurned by the events, and asked if I was going to call my family or would I like him to do it. I told him I could manage and he left.
Calling my mum was really hard. I'd called her the day before crying about some pathetic little thing and I was so sure that she would think I was calling her again about it and that made it so much worse. I knew that the fact that I was crying when I called her wasn't going to prepare her for what I had to say. I could tell from her voice that she thought I was calling her to whine about some lame problem and I really wanted to say no no no this is so much worse but I ended up blurting it out. I realized how calling my brother would be so much worse since he would think I was kidding and I really didn't want to spend 15 minutes on the phone going "no really I'm not joking!" so I asked mum if she could call dad and my brother for me.
The rest of the day was a blur. I didn't do much the work I was intending to get done which was a pain since I am hoping to graduate soon. In fact my whole plan for an intensive last few weeks flew out the window. I know that maybe my supervisors and coordinators would have been more sympathetic if they knew but for some reason I just couldn't/can't bring myself to tell them.
On Friday we drove up to Mäntyharju with my mum and saw Samuli's family for the first time since and later in the evening we drove to see Lauri's parents and his girlfriend. I cried so much. So much that I thought I couldn't cry anymore, but I was so wrong. Every time I've hugged Lauri's mum or girlfriend or sister or aunt or my boyfriends dad etc... it just starts all over again.
When we left we drove to where it happened. That's when it got more real. I mean how much more real can tire marks, bits of car, flowers and candles make it? And yet it was so unreal standing there with his oldest sister and brother, Samuli, my mum and his aunt with someone saying how he'd been all covered in blood and there was no way any ambulance could have come quick enough to save him.
Last Saturday was the funeral. And I don't know why but I couldn't cry anymore. I had cried it all out the day before when we were driving up to Mäntyharju. Before it had only been sad tears but this time I was so angry. I wanted to yell the way his sister had at the crash site, "why did you take him away!" I mean he was our little Lauri... Our little Lauri with his whole life ahead of him.
In the end I'd known him for 7 years. And although I didn't know him that well we spent all our holidays hanging out and in the end I have so many memories. I hate seeing all the people that were close to him hurting so bad. In the end it's not only Lauri that's gone, but a piece of all those people who had the pleasure of knowing him and that's what hurts the most.
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